Secrets of My Legacy

“Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, “… and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half.”

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. “Where are you from?” asked the store manager.

“Lancaster, Pennsylvania,” replied the clerk, “home of ugly women and great hockey teams.”

“Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster,” challenged the manager.

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, “This is good!” To which the king replied, “No, this is NOT good!” and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. “You were right” he said, “it was good that my thumb was blown off.” And he proceeded to
tell the friend all that had just happened. “And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this.” “No,” his friend replied, “this is good!”

His friend, standing near him, said, “Bad news?”

“Disturbing news, anyway,” said the young man. “It’s from someone who says if I don’t stay away from his wife, he’ll kill me.”

“In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife.”

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Miller’ orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! “Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. “I don’t want to get into it. My mind is made up.”

“But Dad, you just can’t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”

“It’s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you’re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don’t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”

“But where’s Mama? Can I talk to her?”

“No, I don’t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven’t told her yet. Believe me it hasn’t been easy. I’ve agonized over it for several days, and I’ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”

“Dad, don’t do anything rash. I’m going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won’t do anything until I get there.”

“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I’ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can’t bear to talk about it anymore.”

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. “Benny told me that you don’t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won’t do anything until we both get there.”