Secrets of My Legacy

What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t
hear you when you’re in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they’re not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. Read the rest of this entry »

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent,
and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
friend.

“Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” ask The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
“Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent!”

Signs of the Times:

1) Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

2) On a Plumbers truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

3) On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

4) Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

5) At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” Read the rest of this entry »

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve
got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?

He said… Do you love me just because my father
left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no
matter who left you the money.

She said…”I won the lottery! Five million dollars.
Whoo-ee-start packing!”
He said… “That’s great!!! What should I pack?”
She said…”Whatever you want, just be out of the
house by the time I get there” Read the rest of this entry »

A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive golfcourse
lined with million-dollar houses. Off the third tee, the
wife hit the ball right through the window of the biggest
house on the course. Embarrassed, they ran up to the house
and knocked on the door. A voice said, “Come on in.”
Entering the house, they saw glass all over the floor, a
broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting on the
couch. “Are you the people who broke my window?” he asked.
“Yes we are, but we’re very sorry,” the husband said.
“Actually I wanted to thank you.” The man replied. “I’m a
genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that
bottle you broke. Since you’ve released me, I’m allowed to
grant two wishes - one for you and one for myself.”
“Wow!” the husband replied. “In that case, I want a million
dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“Granted.” The genie told him. “Now for my wish…I’ve been
trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for a thousand
years, so my wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife, then shrugged. “Well, we
did get a lot of money, so I guess I don’t care.”
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for
hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over, looked
at the wife, and asked, “How old is your husband?”
“Thirty-five,” she replied.
“And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing!”

A True Story by W. Bruce Cameron

Overview: I had to take my son’s hamster to the vet.

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me.

“Oldest trick in the book, son,” I informed him. “You go in to see what’s wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape.”

“I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?” Read the rest of this entry »