Secrets of My Legacy

Attributed by one Jerry Mansfield (the Head of Public Services of the U.S. Postal Service Library), the Story of Rindercella goes something like this.

Once upon a time in a coreign fountry there was a geautiful birl named Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad blisters. Also in this same coreign fountry there lived a very pransom hince who was going to have a bancy fall.

The pransom hince had invited people from riles amound to the bancy fall especially the pich reople. Rindercella’s mugly other and two sad blisters were invited to the bancy fall but poor Rindercella could not go because all she had to wear was rirty old dags. So Rindercella cat down and shried. Read the rest of this entry »

This is deadly serious, so don’t ignore it.
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc through
the national system.

Beware of…

THE ALGORE Virus…. (Causes your computer to just keep counting
and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus…. (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus… (Makes a new hard drive out of an
old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus… (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
Emails everyone about what it did) Read the rest of this entry »

What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t
hear you when you’re in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they’re not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. Read the rest of this entry »

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent,
and are asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
friend.

“Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” ask The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

“Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
“Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent!”

Signs of the Times:

1) Sign over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

2) On a Plumbers truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

3) On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

4) Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

5) At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” Read the rest of this entry »